写论文时间太长的两个epiphenomena:

1) 开始不经意地把态度带进论文里甩脾气，比如我刚写了一句类似于“你真觉得这种说法有效吗”的设问，然后紧接着引导性地写了一句Not really，邻座的女生反映道，haha, sassy.

2) you start listening to ladygaga. (alejandro is superb:p)

和已经在读PhD的两个老家伙们聊得刹不住车，聊着聊着突然发现十二月一日截至俩学校成绩单一直和一堆材料放在手边竟然忘记寄，二了，只能去快递。深层次了解+stalking老家伙的过程中立觉自己和他们各个的public persona(姑且翻作“公众形象”）亲切极了，一个很敬爱的社会心理学界孤儒（guru)有言在先-- "I like to think I present an innocuous, well-socialized face to the world--nothing for anyone to worry about. But if you know that I like [alternative music] then you know a little something else about me. You've gotten a new data point. If you have all of my songs, the points coalesce to form a picture, an intimate one that doesn't quite match the public persona"

放完感恩假就是今年的舞蹈演出－－dance as martha graham & dance as a quantum in cosmic space with some original dark experimental music score－－今年的两支monumental piece,　按讷不住。每次演出前心里剧烈喘息的感情都是excited& &lonely&sad　的combo, 不仅是跳舞，自己一贯是在这种变态的混合状态下达到工作效率和质量的最大化提升的，于是每次都让自己降低悲情，提高兴奋感，至于孤独，孤独只是个无谓的旧梦，又摆脱不掉，索性任由它回来缠着我。

编Graham的舞蹈教授和音乐家男友分手了，跟我说永远不要date音乐家。夏天以来经历了一些drama以后第一次开始对date这个词增加了好感－－中文里“谈恋爱”的概念在英文里的对应，西方文化里流行的感情观就这么个短小动词全浓缩了！No continuum. No commitment. God damn boys ask ultimatum from you the first day you know each other，讽刺吧？更讽刺的我还没空公开长篇大论呢。我在想polygamism这种行为准则到底是文化的产物还是文化顺应人性的拐杖。 喜欢打字的朋友注意了，每次我坐在电脑前一天下来，次日起床右手大拇指下方梗处即右手腕联结大拇指环节痛至难忍不能用力。我本来以为我得了小时候跟爸妈看过把瘾里王志文得的乱七八糟的绝症，其实就是长久打字姿势和用手提电脑用出来的，所以文字工作者再辛苦也要间隔活动一下，对着自己要写的论文阿申请文阿grant applications,proposal这种，竖个中指，骚骚头，继续写…… 发现季节啊假日阿都是假的，冷暖因人而异。拥抱是有级别的，趁大冷天的--Give your friend a 10/10 hug!

声音大雨点小的例子满地都是，我看liberal arts教育再好也没用，对牛弹琴，还占了优质萝卜的坑。tmd。在精英满地人人都想与众不同的环境下逐渐催生出的一个可怕现象－－self- entitlement／self-categorization，如果所有井底之蛙都这么干，那我只有望而生叹的份儿，这么高姿态说话不是说我就谦虚到哪里去，谦虚可能不是我的本性，但是书不是白读见识和经历不是白赚的，只是有些自知之明罢了。而且一直觉得不管你拿什么学位，到底受没受教育的区别之一在于能不能把握对内真正做事情的态度和在外界面前对待所谓成就的态度。也可能是我被系里最爱的几个教授言传身教dispense给我的kool-aid 给灌醉了，也可能是我见识这么多学术界interesting figures 同时又是guru级人物，没哪个是为后者而累的，甚至有点在风头浪尖之上非常不好意思，一个常见现象是当你红到"can't help it"的时候自会有小喽罗们长篇大论歌功颂扬你或者小PhD candidates来靠拢你想跟着你and get drunk by your kool-aid，所以骄傲是做出来的，也是在“做事情”的过程中应该有的姿态，可怕的是从一开始环境定位就定错了的人（们），小打小闹噪音不断还没法自识，那种骄傲和自信很可笑。介于现在我还没那个本事帮你，反倒让我觉得我同情你想帮你启发你的这种念头就会显得很可耻。sigh...but some day maybe i will . after all, this place will be really fucked up if everything is more about the volume, less about the content. and that's why some professors secretly want to strangle their co-workers at staff meetings. hahhah but then again... 昨天在纽约时报舞蹈版看到对paul taylor 这个antic老头的海滨私居访谈笔录，这几句在这个思考背景下看了尤其有共鸣

Character he identifies with: Homer Simpson. He’s very stupid, and it doesn’t bother him. Fantasy career: I have always wanted to be a professional spy. I love watching people when they don’t know I am looking.

Personal hero: Walt Whitman. He knew so much, and he loved everybody.

Recurring bad dream: I am in a dark tunnel, and I hear something coming, like a subway noise, and I know the minute it reaches where I am, I am going to drop dead. But I always wake up in time.

Question he is asked most: “How do you make a dance?” Well, I get asked that so often that I just make up completely different answers each time. There are so many made-up answers, and they’re all lies. 以下是一些比较无厘头的。

Evening routine: I am in bed by 6 (???!!!!!) at the latest. If I go to bed even earlier I’ll read or watch television. Of course, when I go watch my company perform, I have to be in the theater later than that, and sometimesit is hard to keep my eyes open (hahahhahha). But I’ve seen the dances before in rehearsal, so it doesn’t matter.

Favorite recent gift: A pairof blue jeans. My second company gave me a pair for my birthday. They noticed I had worn the others out; they had rips and holes.

Misconception about dancers: People who haven’t seen much dance think the dancers are improvising.

Book he’s read most: “Lolita.” Because it is a great love story, and a lot of it is funny (how can you not love papa PT?!)

"Girl in a Red"

不喜欢大风大浪的爱情， 但男女情感若非要弄得像舞台戏一样轰轰烈烈， 这也算是最美的一出。 Bows to Mats Ek.

http://cloudgate.e-lib.nctu.edu.tw/media.asp?src=search&mediaType=showMedia&recSN=F4E7354D-0D1F-4EF8-B5C2-3C263A563EE8&fileName=003chr-ar999-200601120001&cat=2&recAuth=1

I will transcribe this poem later (it can't be copied for copy rights). I posted it here just for record.

“I had this experience recently where I met the extraordinary
American poet Ruth Stone who is now in her 90s, but she’s been a poet her entire life. 

She told me that when she was growing up in rural Virginia, she would be out working in the field, and she would feel and hear a poem coming at her from over the landscape. She said it was like a thunderous train of air, and it would come barreling down at her over the landscape.  When she felt it coming, because it would shake the earth under her feet, she knew that she had only one thing to do at that point, in her words, was to run like hell.  She would run like hell to the house, and she’d be getting chased by this poem, and the whole deal was that she had to get to a piece of paper and pencil fast enough so that when it thundered through her, she could collect it and grab it on the page. 

Other times she wouldn’t be fast enough. So she’d be running and running and running, and she wouldn’t get to the house, and the poem would  barrel through her, and she said that she would miss it, and the poem would continue across the landscape looking, as she put it, for another poet.

Then there where the times where, this is the piece that I never forgot, there where moments where she would almost miss it, and she’s running into the house and she’s looking for the paper, and the poem passes through her, and she grabs a pencil just as it’s going through her.  Then she said she would reach out with her other hand and she would catch it, She would catch the poem by it’s tail and she would pull it backwards into her body as she was transcribing on the page, and in these instances the poem would come up on the page perfect and intact to the word, but backwards from the last word to the first”.

How I define myself:

I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am who I think you think who I am.

George Mead is my hero.